The International Chessoid Tomorrow's Muse Today !

Introduces

The Unofficially Official Goddesschess Chess
The 4 Handed Game of the Goddess

A cooperative game of circling of the square and squaring the circle
(as dictated to Wallace by The Pi, on this Christmas Day, A.D. 2002)

 

Goddesschess Chess
Recipe and basic rules for creating the
Goddesschess Chess Gaming Apparatus: (GCCGA)

 

REQUIRED
4 players
1 standard 8x8 chess board
1 compliment of 32 chessmen
4 sets of dice
1 pack of standard playing cards
1 lazy susan
1 circular kitchen table (preferred)
1 local telephone directory
1 official Xena compass and decoder ring
1 pocket calculator or abacus
1 refrigerated serving of The King's Ice Cream (or preferred Elvis junk food substitute)
3 (minimum) assorted types of libations
1 Copy of Lysistrata (for reference purposes)
1 Sound clip of Handel's Messiah and / or "Optimistic Voices" from the Wizard of Oz
Sundry old traffic tickets or other unpaid bills

OPENING ARRANGEMENTS On a lazy suzan, place one chess board. Garnish with the standard array of chessmen. Summon three slacker friends. Seat them at each of the four sides of the rotating chess board, which must be perfectly aligned according to exact North-South-East-West compass points.

A quorum may elect to make the appropriate corrections for "due" north, as opposed to "true" magnetic north. (Herein it must be noted that the magetized "Feng Shui" version of Goddesschess Chess is considered to be the earliest and purest form of of this very ancent game. Later MIV adjustments and the realignment of the board to "due" north reflect a serious departure from the original {Proto Goddesschess Chess) , which modern studies undertaken by the Rhine Institute have shown to have a direct influence upon the dice elements of the game as well as the clear thinking of the players. Use the Offical Jan Xena Compass or a reasonable facsimile to ajust for the "old game" of Goddesschess Chess - also known as Chitty Chitty Chaturanga.)

Adjust both table (if square) and board accordingly. Roll dice to select the person who will initiate play. High roller kicks off. Rotate the board according to the party selected. Winner plays white and always moves first.

ROTATION of the BOARD Proceed by following normal rules of play, EXCEPT that following the opening and first countermove of the game, the board is ROTATED 90 degrees so that a second team of players assumes responsibility for the next pair of moves. In countries situated in the northern hemisphere, clockwise rotation of the board is recommended. For games played in the southern hemisphere the rotation will be counter-clockwise. If played on the equator, the appropriate rotational protocol may be divined through dice play or any agreed upon method of divination. (* Please refer to official methods of divination provided in this pamphlet.) Repeat the rotation after each series of moves.

To make things more interesting for the goddess, roll dice to determine in which direction the board will rotate following any series of moves. Odds may equal counter-clockwise, evens clockwise. All players must throw one die. The sum of all four combined facings will dictate the appropriate directional calculation. In case of any serious disagreement, particularly in cases where this sum totals less than four or more than twenty four, a fifth party may be plucked out of the telephone book at random and requested to pick a random number. In case of a long sequence of digits, standard numerologicial practices of reduction will apply. Low roller gets to make the call. (N.B. It is forbidden to use the Yellow Pages. Calls to blood relatives are also strictly prohibited.)

PLEASE NOTE: Any form of standard board game - chess, checkers, chaturanga etc., may suffice as the medium of play. All conventional rules of the original games being used are to be upheld unless otherwise agreed upon. The Goddesschess Chess game is not intended to be oracular, although you might want to pose it a simple "yes" or "no" question - such as, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" or, "Is chess really the game of the goddess?". (N.B. As with Ouija Chess, In the hands of cynics, Goddesschess Chess may become a totally meaningless abstraction. By their play, you will know them. A hardened cynic will not hesitate to make moves normally considered suicidal in other forms of chess. This is typically the sign of any neophyte numbskull who does not recognize that there is no point trying to outfox the goddess at her own game. Naturally, her final say on the rotating board will invariably reflect actual degrees of skill, interest, enthusiasm or whatever instances of pure dumb luck the eight armed chess-deity may bring to the game on any particular occasion.)

PAWN PROMOTION in GODDESSCHESS CHESS The event of any pawn reaching its promotional rank on the eighth square requires that all four participants must arise from their chairs and bow cordially to the pawn. Following which, players will engage in a brisk ceremonial dance about the gaming table to the tune of either the overture from Handel's "Messiah" - or - "Optimistic Voices", from the soundtrack of "The WIzard of Oz". Sing alongs are encouraged - as are "secret" hand signs, mime and characterizations of the mythically promoted.

"Optimistic Voices" (from The Wizard of Oz)

You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night.
Step into the sun, step into the light
Keep straight ahead for tthe most glorious place
On the Face of the Earth or the sky!

Hold onto your breath, hold onto your heart, hold onto your hope
March up to that gate and bid it open...

Open!

Morris style dancing is permitted with the only strict rule being that all parties circulate around the board twice clock-wise and twice counter-clockwise, (reversed if in southern latitudes) in orderly fashion, returning to their original seating positions once the dance is completed. Penalties (loss of turn - payment of someone else's outstanding traffic tickets) will be assessed to those who attempt to overtake and pass a fellow player during the commotion. This is known as the "non-passant" rule.

Before being seated an orderly series of bows to is made. In cases where special time restrictions apply, "the wave" will suffice. Players are also encouraged to shake hands, slap each other on the back, pat heads, tickle chins or exchange hugs, for without the cooperative efforts of all participants, no pawn would ever be promoted.

Deciding what new piece the pawn will become is done by selecting from among a pile of sixteen trump cards laid out for that occasion. Composed of Kings, Queens, Jokers and Jacks, cards are shuffled once, spread face down and a single draw is made by the person who initiated the promotional event. Tarot cards may substitute for the common deck of cards.

King = Rook - Queen = Queen - Joker = Bishop -- Jack = Knight

CAPTURE of a MAJOR PIECE In the event that a major piece is captured, players must arise from their seats, doff all headgear and perform the appropriate hand wringing ceremonies while reciting in unison the specified lines written for the male chorus in Aristophanes' "Lysistrata".. Capture of a queen requires a different set of verses, to be selected from the female chorus.

DETERMINING a WINNER If you absolutely MUST do this... A stalemate may be broken with a roll of the dice to determine a winner from among the two possible candidates seated opposite each other the moment a stalemate is declared. Following the declaration, movement of the board is absolutely forbidden! Make your final dice game as simple or as complicated as you like. Other more elaborate methods of divination** are also welcome.

CLOSING CEREMONIES The person seated at the winning side of the board gets to eat The King's Ice Cream. Prepared seven days in advance, this distinguished honour is always dished out by the host in conical form. All three accompanying magi, host included, are expected to pay personal tribute to the winner by additionally offering precisely weighed measures of walnuts, hot fudge and cherries. In countries where tropical climates do not favour the use of the King's Ice Cream, moksha sweets, warm beer, bread and grapes are traditionally substituted. These new rituals take the place of older ones, which appear among legendary sources linking the choice of a winner with ritual regicides that are no longer legal in most modern states.

OFFICIAL ALTERNATE MODES of DIVINATION for GODESSCHESS CHESS

• aeluromancy (dropping wheatcakes in water and interpreting the result)

• aeromancy (divination by examining what the air does to certain things)

• alectoromancy or alectryomancy (divination by a cock: grains of wheat are placed on letters and the cock "spells" the message by selecting grains)

• alphitomancy (dropping barleycakes in water and interpreting the result)

• anthropomancy (divination by interpreting the organs of newly sacrificed humans)

• astragalomancy or astragyromancy (using knucklebones marked with letters of the alphabet)

• astrology

• axinomancy (divination by the hatchet: interpreting the quiver when whacked into a table)

• belomancy (divination by arrows)

• bronchiomancy (divination by studying the lungs of sacrificed white llamas)

• capnomancy (divination by the smoke of an altar or sacrificial incense)

• cartomancy

• catoptromancy or crystallomancy (using mirrors or lenses)

• cephalomancy (divination by a donkey's head, one of my personal favorites)

• chiromancy (palmistry)

• cleidomancy (divination by interpreting the movements of a key suspended by a thread from the nail of the third finger on a young virgin's hand while one of the Psalms was recited)*note, rarely practised anymore due to rarity of virgins.

• coscinomancy (divination by a balanced sieve)

• cromniomancy (divination by onions)

• dactylomancy (divination by means of rings put on the fingernails or the number of whorls and loops on the fingers)

• daphnomancy (divination using the laurel branch: how did it crackle when burned?)

• dowsing

• extispicy (divination by examining entrails)

• fractomancy (interpreting the structures of fractal geometric patterns)

• geomancy

• gyromancy (divination by walking around a circle of letters until dizzy and one falls down on the letters or in the direction to take)

• haruspicy (inspecting the entrails of slaughtered animals)

• hydromancy (divination by examining what certain things do in water or when taken out of water, such as coffee grounds or tea leaves); hydatoscopy (if rainwater is used); pegomancy (if spring-water is used)

• hepatoscopy or hepatomancy (divination by examining the liver of sacrificed animals)

• kephalonomancy (Ilove this one too...burning carbon on the head of an ass while reciting the names of suspected criminals; if you're guilty, a crackling sound will be heard when your name is spoken)

• lampadomancy (interpreting the movements of the flame of a lamp)

• libanomancy (interpreting the smoke of incense) * lithomancy (divination using precious stones)

• lecanomancy (dropping precious stones into water and listening for whistles)

• margaritomancy (divination by the pearl: if it jumps in the pot when a person is named, then he is the thief!)

• metoposcopy (interpreting frontal wrinkles)

• molybdomancy (divination by melted lead: interpreting its noises and hisses when dropped into water)

• myrmomancy (divination by watching ants eating)

• necromancy (communicating with spirits of the dead to predict the future)

• oinomancy (divination by wine)

• omphalomancy (interpretation of the belly button)

• oneiromancy (interpretation of dreams)

• onychomancy (interpreting the reflection of sun rays off fingernails)

• ornithomancy or orniscopy (interpreting the flights of birds)

• ovomancy or oomancy or ooscopy (breaking eggs into a container of water and interpreting the shape of the egg white)

• papyromancy (divination by folding paper)

• pyromancy or pyroscopy (divination by fire)

• rhabdomancy (using the divining rod or magic wand)

• rhapsodmancy (divination by a line in a sacred book that strikes the eye when the book is opened after the diviner prays, meditates or invokes the help of spirits)

• scapulamancy

• scrying

• sideromancy (interpreting straws thrown on a red-hot iron)

• skatharomancy (interpreting the tracks of a beetle crawling over the grave of a murder victim)

• splanchnomancy (reading cut sections of a goat liver)

• stichomancy

• tasseography (reading tea leaves)

• tiromancy (interpreting the holes or mold in cheese)

• urim v'tumim (reading sacred stones attached to the breastplate of the high priest in ancient Judaism)

• uromancy (divination by reading bubbles made by urinating in a pot)
  
  

THE HISTORY of GODDESSCHESS CHESS It is assumed that because of the ritual peculiarities associated with winning the game of Proto-Goddesschess-Chess, the activity slowly died out among the originating tribal populations. Literary evidence pointing to the possibilty that the game itself may have been responsible for thinning of the ranks is mixed - whereas, the archeo-historical record remains inconclusive. It is also widely held that these tribes gradually expired - and with them, all memory of play was either lost or deliberately expunged from the collective consciousness. Few records remain that can be relied upon for absolute verification and we are left with no determining focus necessary for polishing the finer points of Proto Goddesschess Chess, save that which the eminent anthropologist, Mme. Vera Una Likely has pieced together through her research into the sacred practices of a highly secretive Pacific Island tribe, known as The Pawn-sha-pi.

According to Mme. Likely's examination of the stratified skirts of various active South Pacific volcanoes, charred, partially melted and petrified shards of tiny clay and tin statuettes resembling images of flying lizards, frog-eyed fish, fish-eyed frogs, humans and other improbable prehistoric animals once presumed indigenous to the region have been found embedded under successive layers of volcanic debris.

Evidence of foot paths and trails leading from the base to the rim of several cauldrons is indisputable. Several well known sites attest the discovery of broken sandals and discarded chicken bones, signifying that these were, indeed, popularly traveled pilgrimmage routes. It is thereby assumed that the ceremonial trail was ritually strewn with game pieces fitting the Proto Goddesschess Chess description - although, to date, no accompanying board or lexicon of rules has actually been found in connection with discovery of the pieces themselves.