October 18, 2008

	The World Chess Championship match between GM Viswanathan Anand (right: photo credit Chessdom) and GM Vladimir Kramnik (left: photo credit Chessvibes) is taking place in Bonn, Germany October 12 - 30, 2008.  Game 4 was completed on October 18, 2008.  Play resumes on Monday October 20th.  After Game 4, Anand leads the match 2.5 to Kramnik's 1.5.

Candi Kane and Bambi Darlin, those fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls, are providing special reports to Goddesschess on this historic match. 

Note:  This article contains links to material of dubious nature from the archives of the defunct The International Chessoid, a cheesy, cheap chess tabloid that was on the internet from 2000 through 2004.  Goddesschess is not responsible for the contents of any material from the TIC Archives and disclaims any responsibility for the contents of this article.  You must be 21 or older to read this article.  We have ways of knowing whether you're of age or not...

Candi:  Hello Goddesschess fans.  Bambi and I are sooooo excited to be here in Bonn, Germany, isn't that right, Bambi.

Bambi:  Ooooh, yes, we are!  I'm finally getting a chance to sprechen my Deutsch, if you know what I mean.

Candi:  Ooooh la la!  Or should I say roll over, Brunnhilde! 

Bambi:  Oh Candi, please do not remind me of that dreadful opera we went to last night.  I now appreciate for the first time in my life the true meaning of The Fat Lady Singing.

Candi:  Well, I'm sorry.  I thought it was Madam Butterfly.

Bambi:  Candi!  How could you have confused Die Walküre with Madam Butterfly?  Are you blind?

Candi:  No, only tone deaf.  That's a joke, Bambi, BA DA BOOM!  Anyway, it was the wings that did it.

Bambi:  I am not going to ask, no, I am not going to ask...

Candi:  Ask what?  Bambi, I think you're jet-tagged.  Here, have some of this German tea.  It's great for what ales you - get it?  Ha ha ha!  Ales you, ha ha ha!  When in Deutschland, do as the natives do - 

Bambi:  That's not German tea!  I think - jet-tagged?  Oh, Candi.  It's jet-lagged, JET-LAGGED.  And that isn't tea.  It's lager.  

Candi:  Yes, whatever you say.  I think you need a good long massage from Siegfried.  He has the hands of a god, Bambi, a god!  I've scheduled another session with him this evening.  Ah, those six-pack abs, oh - do you suppose lager is sold in six packs?  Do they have this back in the United States do you think?  This is the best tea I've ever had!  It's good for what ales you - get it - ha ha ha, ales you.

Bambi:  You already said that.

Candi:  Well!  You are in a testy mood today, aren't you.  Perhaps we can importate this lager and sell it for medicinal purposes.  Oh Bambi, I can see it now - Candi and Bambi Present - ta ta ta da!  MIRACLE LAGER, GOOD FOR WHAT ALES YOU.  We can dress the bottles in tassles and g-strings and present them inside a custom-made tea cosy!  We'll make millions, Bambi, millions!  

Bambi:  Hmmmm, well that is an interesting concept - beer bottles dressed in tassles and g-strings....  Perhaps in your favorite flavor of blonde, brunette or redhead?

Candi:  But what would the bottles wear for hair?  Oooohhhh, I've got it!  Little tiny wigs, glued on to the bottle caps...and sequins, we must have lots of sequins...

Bambi: Candi, take a note.

Candi:  Oh - let me get my glasses out -- okay, ready.  What do I take note of?

Bambi:  We are here to cover the World Chess Championship match.

Candi:  Well I know that, silly!  But isn't it more fun to make millions and millions by coming up with the Next Big Thing?  Oh - oh - I just had a hot brain!  Quick, fan me!  Bambi - we can call our Deutschland Tea "Boobie Bottles!"

Bambi:  Let's move on to the Championship, shall we?  We can discuss business later on, over Siegfried.

Candi:  Oh, all right - but you know, on second thought, the wigs might not be a good idea.  I mean, Bambi, taking off the bottle cap would be like beheading the bottle - POP!  Eeeeeuuuuu!  And you know, some guys just love acting macho by biting off the top of a beer bottle with their teeth!  What a gruesome end for a Boobie Bottle!  Just imagine what they'd do with the g-string and tassles!  

Bambi:  Hmmmm, you know Candi, this idea just might make us millions and millions...

Candi:  Oh, I'm so glad you think so.  You know how smart I always get when I put on my glasses!  Just like "Some Like It Hot."

Bambi:  That was "How to Marry a Millionaire."

Candi:  Where Marilyn Monroe wore black horn-rimmed glasses and married the hot Timber Baron, Rory Calhoun!  Oh, he was so cute!  I feel warm all over!  

Bambi:  That was Betty Grable.  Marilyn ended up with the geeky guy in glasses on the lam from the Internal Revenue Service.  Back to work, Candi.  What do we have to report to the Goddesschess readers about the first four games of the Championship? [Official website]

Candi:  Well, they were boring as hell.

Bambi:  Candi!  You can't say that!

Candi:  Why not?  It's the truth!

Bambi:  We're being paid a lot of money to come up with some in-depth coverage, some sizzling analysis and brilliant insights into the psyches of these two men as they engage in the ultimate battle - for supremacy on the chessboard!  Only the best mind will win...

Candi:  Well why didn't you say so?  Honestly, Bambi, you act like you don't even remember the hot affair you had with Vlady in London during the 2000 Championship Match against Kaspy.  

Bambi:  That's because you were busy pretending to be me while you had a sizzling affair with Kaspy yourself.  I was exhausted bouncing between the two men!

Candi:  Oh, never say so!  But Bambi, you were not bouncing between the two men.  You were only bouncing with Vlady!

Bambi:  Well, actually, I can't never say so because I can't ever say no.  I was seeing them both.

Candi:  What!  You were two-timing Vlady with Kaspy behind my back? 

Bambi:  At least I never pretended to be you like you pretended to be me!  I only ever pretended to be me.  You lied to Vlady too!

Candi:  Oh, so now it's my fault!  That's the thanks I get for helping you out a couple of times by wearing a blonde wig, knocking his glasses off and taking Vlady out to very dark places while you told me you were going to the library to do research!  Little did I know you were two-timing him with Kaspy!

Bambi:  Candi!  That almost sounds - judgmental!

Candi:  Well maybe I am being a mental judge!  You gave the man a break dance!  Kaspy was never the same after that, and you know it.  He retired from chess!  He married a woman who has plastic boobs and fake teeth and looks like a 1960's Barbie doll!  Now he's trying to be a political activist, and that horrid KGB Person who pretends he is not running the USSR - he'll poison him, I just know he will!  He just loves poisoning people, like a - like a - black widow spider!  EEK!  Run for the hills!  The Black Putin is coming, Run - RUN -

Bambi:  Candi, get a grip on yourself! Remember, it was you that Kaspy was pining for, he only thought it was me.  And yes, it's true Kaspy married a woman young enough to be his daughter, and she did have a bad boob job, but a lot of men his age do that.  But I do not believe that Kaspy's actions since falling apart at the 2000 London Brain Games Championship have anything to do with either of us.  We did not cause Kaspy to have a breakdown. No - I have good reason to believe that Vlady put a hex on Kaspy.  Vlady was such a young, impetuous stud back then!  Now let's get on with this assignment, shall we?

Candi:  Oh, all right. What do you think of this d4 move, Bambi?  What - a hex?  What kind of hex?  Oh, how fascinating.  What are your reasons for believing Vlady hexed Kaspy?  Oooh - I just had a Valuation!  It was because Vlady found out you were two-timing him, didn't he!  Oooh, I can see it all now - wow, what a novel this would make. Bambi, we could make millions with this -

Bambi:  Game 2:  Anand, White, first move:  d4.  Game 4:  Anand, White, first move:  d4. You know, Candi, you were right.  Boring!  Certainly not on par with Fischer's c4.  Both of these games led to fairly conventional GM draws well under 40 moves.  And, Candi, it's "Revelation," not "Valuation."

Candi:  I meant Valuation, Bambi, although I had one of those Revy things, too!  I don't think the boys are earning their pay!  It is definitely a matter of Valuation for the Sponsors, is it not?  I mean, the boys are earning almost as much for this Match as you and I do during a week on stage in Vegas!  Game 3 was a nice one, don't you think?  You're not going to answer my question about the hex, are you?  And honestly, Bambi, aren't you expecting a lot thinking that any of the current crop of GMs could come up with something like c4 during a championship match?  There will never be another Robert James Fischer.   He was an American Original. 

Bambi:  I agree it was a solid game for Vishy and he earned the full point. But all he has to do now is draw the rest of the games and he'll win the Championship.  Hardly awe-inspiring, particularly when with White in Game 4 he might have gone for the jugular.  He should have been playing for a win from the start of the game; instead he allowed Vlady to coast to a draw like a namby-pamby.  Definitely not Fischeresque!  

Candi:  So now Vlady and his seconds will work all weekend to come up with some killer prep for Game 5, when Vlady has white, and will attempt to crush the life out of Vishy and equalize the score.  What do you think Vishy will do?

Bambi:  Take his wife shopping.

Candi:  Oh, he's such a good husband. I just know he's going to win this match!

Bambi:  Why, because he's such a good husband?

Candi:  Well, of course!  How could the Goddess of Chess not smile upon such a man?  

Bambi:  Good point!  Well, you know, since we already know how this is going to turn out, what do you say to hopping on the train and going to Paris for a week?  We can read Susan Polgar's blog and Mig's Daily Dirt and get the latest news and mail in updates to Jan at Goddesschess.  She won't know the difference!

Candi:  A brilliant plan, Bambi.  You know, ever since you took that free course by Susan Polgar on how to teach chess to children, your strategic thinking and tactical abilities have vastly improved.

Bambi:  Thank you, Candi.  Now, to answer your question, I know Vlady put a hex on Kaspy because I helped him do it!

Candi:  Oh Bambi, never say so!

Bambi:  I do, I do say so!

Candi:  But why?  I thought you loved Kaspy!

Bambi:  Candi, please try to remember that it was you pretending to be me who loved Kaspy.  The real Bambi - I mean - me, I mean - I - was not in love with Kaspy.   

Candi:  Well, neither was I!  I was just pretending to be in love with him because you were supposed to be in love with him, and I was supposed to be you.  But you were pretending all along!

Bambi:  How could I ever love a man who would not know the difference between you and me, Candi, even if you were wearing a platinum blonde wig and six-inch high spike heels?  We're not anything alike!

Candi:  And I borrowed your favorite pasties, too!  He just loved those tasty pasties - 

Bambi:  Candi!  So it was you!  I thought a maid from the hotel borrowed them and never returned them!  My favorite pasties!  How could you?  And furthermore - wait a minute - just why were you pretending to be me, anyway?

Candi:  Bambi!  I believe we are having an argument!

Bambi:  Candi!  I believe you are correct!  Oh, see what men do to one?  They make one all crazy in one's head!  We should never ever fight over men, Candi.  Life is just too short, and our friendship is too important.  And just think of all the money we won't make if we break up our Great Team!

Candi:  Oh, you are so right, Bambi.  Never fight over men.  There are so many of them after all, what are the odds we'll ever share the same man again?  

Bambi:  Well, there is Siegfried with the Magic Hands.

Candi:  Ah, yes, a Magic Man with Magic Hands.  Let's flip for Siegfried's second shift and third shift - heads you win, tails I lose.

Bambi:  If you insist.  Oh Candi, I know the best place in Paris to buy lingerie - wait until you see these 1980's Madonna-inspired bustierres with tin funnels over the nipples.  She designed them specifically for nursing mothers -

---

Why did Candi pretend to be Bambi all those years ago in London during the Kasparov-Kramnik Brain Games Chess Championship Match?  Did a double-dose of Candi as Bambi and the real Bambi push Kasparov over the edge?  And what about this hex that Bambi allegedly helped Kramnik put on Kasparov?  Was Bambi just blowing smoke?  What Will Bambi and Candi do when they discover Kasparov has opined that Kramnik will win this match???  And why is Bambi interesting in a bustierre designed for nursing mothers?

Stay tuned for more on the Anand-Kramnik match from those Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls!!!