Las Vegas Showgirls VII by Georgia Albert with Jan Newton

Ask the Queen!
A Special Submission To The Never-Ending Question...
Received February, 2006:

Dear Goddesschess: I remember there used to be an online chess etiquette column called "Ask the Queen," but I can't find it anywhere.  I hope you will be able to help me. Lately, it seems whenever I am playing at a tournament, the men I am competing against blatantly stare at my - er, chest.  I have tried not to let it get to me - but - well, do you have any advice?  How can I keep my concentration and not let staring eyes rattle me? Chess Queen Wannabe Seattle, WA

Dear CQW: We most sincerely regret to inform you that Her Majesty retired Her former column, "Ask the Queen," a few years ago, but as She maintains a keen interest in chess and female chess players in particular. She felt your inquiry was a matter requiring some expert attention, and immediately referred your letter to the Las Vegas Show Girls (Her Majesty is their most majestic fan...) You will find the Show Girls' answer attached hereto. Best Regards,  Da Queen

Dear Queeny: Bambi: We are soooo pleased to answer your letter. First of all, Candi wants to know what size bra you wear?  Not that I think that it is important - - - ! Candi:  Excuse me, Bambi.  It IS important to know what size Queeny's breasts are.  Bambi:  Oh Candi, this is a serious matter.  Queeny has a problem and Her Royal Majesty referred the matter to us!  Please don't tell me you've designed a line of chess-related pasties and you want to know Queeny's bra size in order to send her a custom-made pair. Candi:  Oh - that is an excellent idea, Bambi!  Bambi:  Oh Candi, you are being deliberately obtuse! Candi:  Oh, thank you!  I have given this matter a great deal of thought, Bambi, a great deal of thought.  Now, where are those glasses - Bambi:  You don't wear glasses!  What are you talking about? Candi:  Of course I don't wear glasses.  But remember what Marilyn said in "How To Marry A Millionaire" - "Men pat the asses of girls who wear glasses". Bambi:  No no no!  Oh, Candi, she said "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses" - Passes, Candi, Passes.  Not Patting Asses. Candi:  Well of course I don't go around patting asses.  They might take offense, especially the Democrats.  Only consider, glasses make one look more intelligent, and I feel an intelligent mood coming on... Bambi:  What does any of that have to do with Queeny's problem of men staring at her boobs while she's trying to play chess? Candi:  Oh Bambi, it has EVERYTHING to do with breasts and chess.  Just imagine for a moment.  You are playing across the board from a really intense, dark, big, hairy man - like - well, what's his face?  The one who was world champion just about forever!  You know, Kaspy our little dog is named after him.  Just imagine someone like that. Bambi:  Okay -  Candi:  Now, are you going to get all upset because this really intense, dark, big, hairy man is staring at your breasts, and probably jiggling in his chair like he really needs to visit the men's room? Bambi:  No, of course not.  I would take it as a compliment to my beautiful and 100 percent natural feminine pulchritude.  And perhaps recommend that he see a good urologist. Candi:  Precisely!  And, as we well know from history, Bambi, when a man stares at a woman's boobs, she's already got him exactly where she wants him. Bambi:  Yes - only Both Girls Together:  HE DOESN'T KNOW IT! Candi:  So, the advice we give to Queeny is simply - be sure to wear the correct size push-up bra and a good quality knit v-neck sweater - in red.  Red is important.  And the sweater must be one size too small. Bambi:  Candi, I think you are absolutely correct, but you know what some people are going to say about that advice.  It is very sexist. Candi:  Never say so!  What is sexist about displaying one's personal attributes to their best advantage?  And - this is where I get really smart, Bambi - psycho-chess comes into play.   The red sweater, one size too small - it's like waving a cape in front of bull - toro, toro toro toro - easy, boy, easy... Bambi:  Ooooohhh, Candi, you are toooo funny!  Hmmm, maybe you should wear those glasses more often. Candi:  Thank you, Bambi.  I'll consider wearing them more in the future when I need to feel like I'm smart.  Queeny adds to her distinct advantage once she puts on her push-up bra and her red v-neck sweater.  The men were ALREADY staring at her boobs without any enhancements. That means either that they were trying to psycho her chess out of her by attempting to make her feel uncomfortable as a sexual object OR that they weren't thinking about chess at all, if you know what I mean... Bambi:  Oh yes, you are so right.  And if they were trying to psycho her chess out of her, then she is out-psychoing the psychos by using her natural abilities to their best advantage.  And if they weren't thinking about psycho-anything but were just staring at Queeny's boobs because they are magnificent, or the psychos are horny, or both, then she can do Mate In Thirteen. Candi:  Surely Mate In Five!  Bambi:  But Mate In Thirteen is so much more delicious - and leisurely. Candi:  Well, you've always preferred the slow hands.

Queeny, here is a synopsis of our answer to your inquiry: 1.  Buy a good push-up bra that is properly fitted to your body-type.  No Victoria's Secret one-size-fits-all for you, Queeny!  If you can afford it, you must go to New York and visit Fifi's on Fifth Avenue, where the Lingerie Department still provides personal one-on-one fitting service and custom tailoring of the best silk-lined European-manufactured lingerie.  If you can't afford a trip to New York, the next best thing is to order online at Frederick's of Hollywood. The Signature Embroidery Lace model is the perfect push-up to buy online. It's beautiful as well as constructed like a tank and it will wear forever!  It also comes in a wide range of sizes. We recommend ordering your correct chest size but one cup smaller than you normally wear.  You won't get red marks from wearing a bra that's too tight, and the smaller cup size will put your bosom on its best display mode. 2.  A good quality red knit v-neck sweater is a must.  Here is a perfect example:  Notice how the collar and cuffs are built in but can readily be tucked away out of sight or even unbuttoned and removed totally!  You can choose you own degree of demure (or not).  Ooooh la lah!  An Ann Taylor Loft Original, you can buy it online. 3.  Pay attention to men staring at your attributes, but don't take offense.  Simply speaking, the more they stare, the easier targets they are.  Without going into all kinds of boring scientific studies that prove the point, remember that in the end, male chessplayers are either (1) HORNY or (2) HORNY and trying to psycho you out of your chess.  We won't mention option (3) here, [DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE OVER 39 YEARS OF AGE] because any man who isn't horny but is only trying to psycho you out of your chess is not a real man.  Oops, guess we mentioned it after all.  C'est la vie!  4.  Your attributes are your friends!  Remember, men pet asses who wear glasses.  No, that is, men pet glasses who have asses. Hmmm, glasses don't have asses (do they?) Men pet glasses who ride asses?  Beat asses?  Hmmm... how about men love lasses who have big asses. Oh, something like that.  Anyway, if you're a female playing chess and your male opponent is staring at your breasts, give him the benefit of the doubt and a bit of a show while you checkmate him in thirteen moves (or less). Love, Bambi and Candi

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